you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
