That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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