So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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