he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
