I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
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