I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
