She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
