I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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