My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
The Olympian is in my bed
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