I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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