Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
