its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
