I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
