someone threw a dead crab at me
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
