what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I think we might need a safe word for this...
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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