so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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