I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
