I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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