dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
