I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
that is very illegal...i love you.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
