She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
