apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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