I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
