people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
