I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
