Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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