my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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