Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
