if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
The uberlube is also flammable
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
