This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
