somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
