you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
