You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Randomize
