Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
