Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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