i wish starbucks made bloody marys
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
