No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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