my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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