I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
