I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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