all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
