jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
