tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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