Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Randomize
