i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
