So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
