my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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