I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I want to fling myself into the sun
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
