You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
