i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
i think i have two assholes
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
