I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
