You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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