I think I won the penis lottery.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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